Acceptance and Being Real
“We realized, okay, we're not going to try to find out what's wrong and label him,” Boaz said. “And then we as parents decided to just find out his weaknesses, and try to improve on them or work around them. And I think that was a turning point.”
Aarti Boaz on acceptance
Samuel’s parents learned to accept him and work with him through his life. His mother in particular really championed him to feel confident and good about himself, because, as she said, a parent’s attitude affects how a child views themself.
When I asked Boaz if she had any fears about his future, she exclaimed that of course she did. However, her priority was making sure her son grows up able to look after himself. This wasn’t much of a problem though, since Samuel was very independent from the start.
“The problem was with writing, and over the years he became a little socially awkward,” Boaz said, which makes it obvious to people that Samuel has Asperger’s.
But after acceptance, there is one more thing really important for parents raising a differently abled child, according to Boaz: being real.
“As a parent, one thing is you have to accept; second thing, you have to be realistic about what's actually the matter with your child,” Boaz said, “and not hide the condition from him, but be open, be frank and discuss it with him and tell him, 'This is exactly what is your issue. This is why there is a difference between you and such and such person.”
Parents need to let their child know that there are things they can do and things they can’t. This doesn’t mean they can’t try things they can’t do though, Boaz said, because “where there’s a will, there’s a way”.
Boaz makes sure to guide and encourage her son to pursue something he can excel at and makes sure he knows it’s okay if he’s not good at something. She tells Samuel that he doesn’t need to do what everyone else does, but that it’s essential he learns basic life skills in order to live an independent life and earn a living on his own.
“So that's my promise and my advice to most parents who are going through this because, especially with Autism or Asperger's, there's no one-size-fits-all approach,” Boaz said.
Samuel had just graduated from high school when I talked to them and had successfully gotten into one of the most prestigious colleges in Chennai. As confident and excited as he was, Boaz made sure he kept his feet on the ground and had a plan B ready.
“Being an educator, I've seen a lot of mothers of special needs kids who are blind to, or choose to be blind to, their child's condition,” she said. “Or inabilities.”
Children at D.K.'s Learning Centre playing with alphabets
Boaz said she has come across many parents of differently abled children who boast about their children without seeing any results in the child’s performance. She says there are two reasons for the parent and child being out of sync like that.
“One is the parent may not even work with the child,” Boaz said, reinforcing that a parent’s role is extremely important when raising a differently abled child.
The second reason Boaz talked about was that the parents may have high expectations for their child even when the child may not be able to do something. When the parent sees that the child is unable to perform at something, they get angry or frustrated with their kid, Boaz said, without introspecting about the reason the child couldn’t do something.
“So I am always wary of advertising what Mihir can do,” Boaz said. “I'd rather stay quiet and let him do it. So if he does it, great. If he doesn't do it, of course we'll work on something else. You know, that's been my attitude.”